Caregiving is stressful. I’ve been a caregiver for more than 18 years and, as time passed, became more aware of stress. My husband (the caregiving recipient) thinks some of my stress is self-induced, but I don’t agree with him. From my perspective, stress is built into the caregiving role. What are some causes of caregiver stress?
Lack of help
By its very nature, caregiving tends to be an expanding role, especially if you’re caring for a loved one who has chronic illness. With help, you can accomplish daily tasks. Without help, you fall behind, and this generates stress. Every morning, holidays included, an agency caregiver comes to our house and gets my husband up. The process takes two hours and enables me to get through the day. Our health insurance doesn’t cover this service and costs us $25,000 a year.
My husband’s aorta dissected and he had three emergency operations. During the third one he suffered a spinal cord injury that paralyzed his legs. When he awakened he couldn’t move his legs at all. Today, thanks to physical and occupational therapy, he can move both legs, and walk a few steps. Still, he requires lots of care and I’m always behind on laundry, grocery shopping, and errands. Falling behind stresses me and may stress you.
Although we have good health insurance, we have prescription co-payments, and high monthly bills for supplies. I worry about money constantly. What will happen to us when our money runs out? Many family caregivers ask themselves this question. About the only thing we can do is monitor the budget, cut back on expenses, and hope things turn out for the best.
Waiting for the results of medical tests can be nerve-wracking. Weeks can pass before the results arrive, and the longer you wait, the more you worry about your loved one. In fact, you may be experiencing anticipatory grief. While I’m waiting for results I try to divert my mind to things I enjoy—cooking, reading, and decorating. This strategy works most of the time, but not all the time.
Diana B. Denholm, PhD, LMHC, calls these feelings “living grief.” In The Caregiving Wife’s Handbook she writes about the time before a loved one’s death. Denholm thinks it’s best to face grief head-on and cry when necessary. “To me, it almost seems as if people have a certain amount of tears, and the sooner they get them out, the better. Holding them in isn’t going to help.” I’ve experienced anticipatory grief many times and agree with Denholm’s assessment.
Referral and aftercare
After being hospitalized for eight months my husband was released to my care. He was home a year and then referred to physical therapy. When therapists had done all they could, he was referred to a health club and asked to use a special bike there. The health club dues are high. Sometimes we have to wait to use a bike because there are only two of them. Wheelchair van parking is also a problem and this stresses both of us.
“Stress overload causes people to be stupid,” Gail Sheehy writes in Passages in Caregiving. I’ve lived this sentence and done foolish things, such as putting a comb in the refrigerator, and losing electronic car keys, which are costly to replace. I think we have to be kind to ourselves when we’re stressed. A good laugh helps too. So keep your sense of humor handy and take a short breaks from caregiving. Both will help you to feel better.