abusive parents don't stop being abusive when they get old. elderly mother threw hot coffee at caregiving daughter. cup of espresso coffee spilt on a wooden table

Few subjects generate as much contention and heartache hereabouts as siblings and the role they play, or don’t play, in caring for aging parents.

Which led me to wonder: What about those absent children? What’s the view from their side of the divide?

In Ms. Barnes’s view, a long history of painful interactions necessitated her withdrawal from direct contact with her mother: “It’s always been a very difficult relationship.”

“She criticized everything I did — my housekeeping, my weight, my not being sufficiently deferential to my husband, my letting cats on the furniture,” Ms. Barnes recalled.

“She got really abusive,” Ms. Barnes said, even going so far as to threaten to throw scalding coffee at her daughter. They haven’t seen each other since.

“I’m sad, and I wish it were different,” Ms. Barnes told me. She loves her mother; she believes her mother loves her. She feels bad that her brother will shoulder the day-to-day burden when her mother falters. Ms. Barnes is willing to participate, even from a distance, but said her brother hasn’t responded to her repeated offers.

[W]ithout a familial history of respect and warmth, Ms. Moscowitz pointed out, the stresses of caregiving can actually become dangerous. It’s family members, not outsiders, who are most likely to abuse or neglect old people.

In her practice, for instance, Ms. Moscowitz worked with a son caring for a mother who had always been judgmental, demanding and unpleasant — and whose dementia was intensifying the problem. “The son’s anger and stress was escalating to a point where he needed to be out of the line of attack,” Ms. Moscowitz said. She became especially worried when he called, guilty and ashamed, to report that he was beginning to shout back at his mother.

Read more in the New York Times.

This is an external article from our library

Everyone is talking about caregiving, but it can still be difficult to find meaningful information and real stories that go deep. We read (and listen to and watch and look at) the best content about caregiving and bring you a curated selection.

Have a great story about care work? Use our contact form to submit it to us so we can share it with the community!

Related Articles

With Flowers

With Flowers

I’ve tried to tell this story before. Let me try again. This time with flowers. My mother died on Mother’s Day. It’s nearly impossible for me to...

Popular categories

Finances
Burnout
After Caregiving
Housing
Relationships
Finding Meaning
Planning
Dying
Finding Support
Work
Grief

Don't see what you're looking for? Search the library

Share your thoughts

0 Comments

Share your thoughts and experiences

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Join our communities

Whenever you want to talk, there’s always someone up in one of our Facebook communities.

These private Facebook groups are a space for support and encouragement — or getting it off your chest.

Join our newsletter

Thoughts on care work from Cori, our director, that hit your inbox each Monday morning (more-or-less).

There are no grand solutions, but there are countless little ways to make our lives better.

Share your insights

Caregivers have wisdom and experience to share. Researchers, product developers, and members of the media are eager to understand the nature of care work and make a difference.

We have a group specifically to connect you so we can bring about change.