nancy carol davis and her father

The unknown sacrifices, the silent pain, the grief of loss… and I would do it again in a heart beat.

I cared for my mother through a year and a half of lung cancer treatments and was holding her hand when she took her last breath. A year after mother died my father was diagnosed with lung cancer (both were non-smokers.) Daddy’s was more aggressive and  he died in 9 months. I was asleep on a stack of pillows and we were also hand in hand when he passed.

Both times I moved into my childhood bedroom to be my parents primary caregiver (at home). I was not going to let my parents be put in any type of facility… I wanted them home and they wanted to be home.

I left my husband to take care of our animals and work a full time job. We didn’t have children so I was blessed to be able to care for both my parents. I was blessed my husband (at the time) only lived across town. He would visit and sleep over but he was unable to do much else because one of us had to make money.

I quit 3 jobs to care for them and would do it again in a heart beat. I had two brothers… one lived a few blocks away and the other in Canada. I got no respite from either of them… it was an inconvenience when I asked my local brother to pick us up a gallon of milk. Yes, out of sight, out of mind. When he did come by he just pulled in the driveway, honked the horn and handed me the milk through the window… he was “Busy” to visit Daddy… I could never understand it… TOO BUSY to visit your dying father? Oh right… I forgot, he was saving his energy for the reading of the will.

I lost so much weight, my clothes were literally falling off me and I looked ill myself (I am 5’7″ and weighed 102 lbs at Daddys death — 130lbs is my norm).

I had circles under my eyes which made me look like I had been beaten up… but I didn’t care… I kept telling myself “I will sleep when they die, I am going to spend every minute I possibly can while they are alive.” And I did — I lived on adrenalin, coffee and love. The ending…

My father was career military and made wise investments over the years, owning land and homes in 3 states. He was not rich, but he was wealthy. He made me executor of his revocable living trust. He knew my brothers were greedy and he knew they would come after me for what they claimed as their ‘Rightful Inheritance’. Daddy was smart and I was lucky because he had the Trust drawn up when I was not with him. The local brother actually started asking for material possessions in the house before he died… one being a diamond ring Daddy was wearing.

Daddy predicted my brothers would become greedy… I was accused of influencing his division of assets… Assets was the farthest thing from my mind. My brothers kept me in court for THREE (3) years because they felt they deserved more of my fathers estate.

I spent back breaking hours, months, and years closing out and cleaning up my parents estate (Daddy was a hoarder, a child of The Great Depression and he kept everything only for me to work tirelessly to clean up).

Back to Court…. The Judge looked at me and said I was to be commended on doing everything I did and should be proud of myself for my legal work and my role as caregiver. (I acted Pro-Se and represented myself against my brothers fancy attorneys). The Judge turned to my brothers and told them he was disgusted at the lengths they went to just to get their hands on money my father did not want them to have. The Judge awarded me financially which compensated my not working any other job for 7 years of my life I. To me, it was only money. At last I could finally breathe. I was too busy to even grieve until the gavel was struck.

My brothers never spoke to me again. My husband left me and I was (am) left more alone than any person should ever be. I was left with a double garage full of my parents belongings which I could not bring myself to go through (too emotional) and then when my ex left, he only took what he wanted and left me to clean up after him. He had no concept of what all 3 deaths did to me (both parents & one divorce = 3 deaths). I suppose the years I spent taking care of my parents and 3 years of legal work and then the years of clean up afterwards, took more of a toll on my marriage then I knew. My ex used to say “You haven’t been the same since your parents died”… He was right. I was worse. I jumped into a rebound marriage with my high school boyfriend but it ended quickly. He is now simply an unreliable person from my past. So this date I have no one in my life.

When I am sick I put down my attorney’s name as who to call in case of emergency. The cost for my choice of being there for my parents was basically my life… my husband, my friends, my family… as they all turned their backs on me. But I have my pride which no one can take away. I also know I cared for my parents out of love and nothing else. As painful as it was and the price I paid for being there for them… it wouldn’t change if I had to do it over. At nearly 60 years old… I am trying to start my life over. I am a better person now. I know the meaning of true love…it left my life with my ex-husband…But at least I have my cats.

So ending on a positive note… To everyone who read this, Thank you. I needed to release my feelings. My heart goes out to everyone who has walked in my shoes. I learned A LOT on my 7 year journey. IF there is any way I can help anyone reading this, please don’t hesitate to ask. I live in Florida and know Florida laws, etc. I know I have been placed on this earth to help others, so if you need me, let me help. If you live in the Orlando area I would be more than happy to help you.

By Nancy Carol Davisvia Facebook

Photo courtesy of the author: Daddy’s Little Girl, taken one month after my mother died.

Written by Guest Author
The Caregiver Space accepts contributions from experts for The Caregiver's Toolbox and provides a platform for all caregivers in Caregiver Stories. Please read our author guidelines for more information and use our contact form to submit guest articles.

Related Articles

Tidewrack

Tidewrack

It was two months after Mum died. I would not meet anyone. I would not answer messages. I would not talk about my feelings. I didn’t want to chat. I...

Elderly and imprisoned

Elderly and imprisoned

"Efforts to reduce the aging prison population are driven not solely by compassion but also by the tremendous cost of incarcerating older people....

Popular categories

Finances
Burnout
After Caregiving
Housing
Relationships
Finding Meaning
Planning
Dying
Finding Support
Work
Grief

Don't see what you're looking for? Search the library

Share your thoughts

8 Comments

  1. I took early retirement from the post office to care for my dad he had damenta there were bad an good days but they were the best days

    Reply
  2. Either you have it or you don’t. Quite frankly, you don’t even know what you have in you to do for another until you are faced with it(head on). It’s a choice you make, your choice. It’s heartbreaking when you are alone in that decision but it is only yours. I chose and I would do so again and again. No matter.

    Reply
  3. No offense, but a year and a half is not a long time. No wonder the author would “do it again in a heartbeat.”

    Reply
  4. I have had a similar experience. I was a full time caregiver for my mom for 3 years and that included the last 6 weeks when she was on Hospice. The experience left me totally exhausted emotionally and physically. After 8 months now after her passing I am working my way back. Through Hospice I joined a Bereavement Support Group and that has been a big help because I was left with no friends. Also, I do know that no one will hire me because of the gap in my employment record. I would do the exact thing all over again if I could, no regrets.

    Reply
  5. I think you’re pretty terrific! Sounds like you had the love and patience it takes. Your siblings made their choice and thank God the judge saw their choices! I hate that you say your friends are not still with you but you go girl! Move on now and live your life on your terms!!!! Hope everything works out wonderfully!!!!!

    Reply
  6. Blessings to you. Amazing sacrifice but please have respect for those who have to work. While these type of stories are heart warming it also can be interpreted as inflicting guilt on those who can’t afford to do so

    Reply
    • I have seen you post this on other things. I can’t take away your right to post, but I will say, I don’t care if you or anyone else has to work, you can lend a hand in some way. Usually, people only work 40 hours/week….the caregiver is on 24/7. I’m sorry, but those who say, blah blah blah, I can’t help because I have to work can cram it. A person who gets two days off can buy a pizza, purchase some groceries, pick up a prescription, sit with Ma &/or Pa while the caregiver gets their hair done or takes a nap. There is always something that can be done.

      Reply
  7. I have to agree. It was never about the money for anyone I cared for. It was about being there for them and knowing that I could ensure they would not die alone. I too would do it all again in a heartbeat and it still don’t matter about who turns their backs and walks away from me. I was not so fortunate when Dad died and later mom died. I was to get the family farm, but one brother got that, and my share of the other assets somehow fell into others hands. I never worried about having my pride though. I have the affirmation of all the people in my folks home town who had their eyes open.
    Great testimony ma’am. No one can take away our testimony.

    Reply

Share your thoughts and experiences

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Join our communities

Whenever you want to talk, there’s always someone up in one of our Facebook communities.

These private Facebook groups are a space for support and encouragement — or getting it off your chest.

Join our newsletter

Thoughts on care work from Cori, our director, that hit your inbox each Monday morning (more-or-less).

There are no grand solutions, but there are countless little ways to make our lives better.

Share your insights

Caregivers have wisdom and experience to share. Researchers, product developers, and members of the media are eager to understand the nature of care work and make a difference.

We have a group specifically to connect you so we can bring about change.