bird in flight without direction

I never would have imagined that I’d be nostalgic for the worst days of my life.

In my husband’s sickest days I just kept moving. The easiest moments were when I was on auto-pilot. Just keep going. Do what needs to be done. Check check check.

When I wanted to cry. To collapse. I would tell myself it wasn’t an option. Stopping wasn’t an option. I needed to do this and I needed to be there for him.

There were times when I wanted it to be over. He was going to die; we knew that. Once he died I could take a nap. Sleep through the night. And I just wanted to sleep. It was so hard, I just wanted it to be over.

Now I can stop. I can cry. And all I want is to go back to those terrible days.

Back then things mattered.

Can you be addicted to pain? To stress? To worry?

Everything mattered. Everything was so intense. Life or death, literally. Now it’s just one minute after another, with no point to anything.

I want to look down at his skeletal frame, have him look back up at me. It seemed like he was so different from the man I fell in love with that he was already gone, but he wasn’t. He could still crack a joke. Reference our dates. We were still a couple, even if it was never in the way I’d imagined it.

Now there are all of these orphaned inside jokes.

Now only I remember.

And it feels like no one understands me anymore.

I’m alone in this house.

Anonymous

Written by Guest Author
The Caregiver Space accepts contributions from experts for The Caregiver's Toolbox and provides a platform for all caregivers in Caregiver Stories. Please read our author guidelines for more information and use our contact form to submit guest articles.

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10 Comments

  1. It’s been 9 months since my husband past and I miss him so much. Even though being his 24/7 caregiver was the hardest thing I have ever done it was also the most rewarding.

    Reply
  2. Yes, we do miss the person when they are gone and it is such a big change in our lives

    Reply
  3. That is so true when i lost my husband and my son.Miss them so much.

    Reply
  4. This is me

    Reply
  5. Never in our wildest dreams fid we ever see ourselves in this situation. I’m on auto pilot now, I’m hoping to stay like this for a very long time.

    Reply
  6. OMG This just brought back all the gut renching pain of that time, of that brief moment in time that broke my heart forever.

    Reply
  7. BOOM. Wow. Exactly. Beautiful and poignant.

    Reply
  8. Painfully true. Such irony.

    Reply
  9. Painfully evocative, and so accurate.

    Reply

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