ray of light, caregiver depression will end eventually

depression is weird.
especially for someone like me,
the always happy,
always positive,
bullshit person that I am.
to be depressed is mind altering.
it takes up space.
it controls a part that isn’t easily handed over.
a constant battle between who you are,
and who you perceive yourself to be.
so.
how do you come out of it?
should you be honest?
explain to your closest and dearest,
that you can’t go on?
or do you just go on?
and then just keep going on,
and on and on….
or do you wait out the wave?
because you know that is what it is?
just a wave.
and there will be sunshine soon.
and adventure.
and life.
just wait out the wave you tell yourself.
and you hope you can.

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20 Comments

  1. “And hope you can” sums it up. You give up absolutely everything. Been doing this 10 years now. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Still hard. Don’t really remember who I am anymore. Hard knowing that there’s a whole world you aren’t a part of, and wonder, if and when the time comes, will you even remember how to participate in it.

    Reply
  2. All you can do is just breath in and breath out…wake up each day and wait for the night to lay your head and try and get SOME sleep. Then repeat. One day at a time. One breath at a time…one moment at a time. Sad sad sad sad.

    Reply
  3. You just stated a very true thing. Thank you for posting.

    Reply
  4. Bless you all. My care giver days came to an end a year ago and I have nothing to do. Depression and no ambition to get myself in gear to move on. I rarely leave the house.

    Reply
    • It takes time Hennie…Give yourself that time. Try to follow some sort of routine for just you daily. Care giving takes a huge toll and we have forgotten who we are and how to care take of ourselves, Having given so much of that time to others and allowing so little time to our own needs, we kind of became unimportant in our own eyes. Sit yourself down and make a list of what you wished you could have done and couldn’t…one day at a time…do one little thing each day that makes you feel good and gives you a smile.

      Reply
  5. you know nothing! try it its hell for us thrown into this hell. 2 lives gone,family/ friends vanish!!!

    Reply
    • Oh Paul Preston, I feel your pain in more ways than one. For me it’s my husband that’s ravaged by Alz disease. He’s only 66 and 90%severe. Our story has been a hell too.

      I know for a fact that many people really can relate to hell on this earth, my dear. Some I’ve met. Some I’ve heard or read tell their experience. Some I see televised. Hells of caregiving, hells of needing caregiving.

      Everyone on this website can in some way relate to the hell of being thrown into caregiving in atrocious, devestating ways. No one asks to be a caregiver to a loved one. Love creates in most of us the care to give. I have met some people that give “care” and don’t love, they are a whole nother subject!

      Though this poem may not speak to your feelings, heart or situation, please know that there really are people that experience many degrees of depression, often as a part of grief, like you and me. Many of us have “tried it.” Admittedly, no one can experience your depression, your hell, your exact circumstances & reactions, your exact situation. We can, however, relate, empathize with aspects of yours (and You with Ours). That’s why we get on this website and others. We know our own suffering from family and friends vanishing. We know our own disabling despair when medical news is very bad. We learn more and more the extent to which different things overwhelm us. We know both inner turmoil and chaos all around us. We, too, know fear. We know scrambling and bumbling through some days, complete breakdowns (private and public!), and we have experienced many more extremely complex aspects of being or having been a caregiver, loving or not.

      I feel pain reading your comment, real heart wrenching pain. I have said and thought similar things. I have screamed them in pure anger with flames coming out of my eyes! and I have belted them out through weeping. I have let those same feelings push and pull me around. I believe I empathize with your pain.

      Two days this week I couldn’t function. One day a little mishap bullied me back to bed. The next day, one small mistake early in the day whipped me until I bled so I nursed my proverbial wounds all day and didn’t even sleep much that night. I ended up, on the third day, when I felt quite “functional,” missing a much anticipated Dr appt for my love one. He can’t get back on that Dr’s schedule for over three weeks. Immediate medical/safety concerns are still at stake. I simply didn’t know what day it was. I didn’t know it was the day to go to the Dr. even with all my reminders in place that usually work. That day I cried tears into what hair is left on the top of Tom’s head while limply laying by him at a facility he lives in now.

      I very often feel I can’t go on. Many times I have thought through euthanasia and murder-suicide. I know depression.

      Maybe the poem’s author can relate to the depths of mine, maybe not. I accept either way that she/he can relate to pain, lonliness, grappling, anxiety, sadness, fear, emptiness, questioning…

      I hope you get there too. I hope you begin to accept those of the rest of us that are forced to “try it” and accept expressions of our unique perspective in attempt to reach out to you, to reach out to anyone “out there” and affirm, help in some way. I hope you come to the place where you can receive.

      You know, I’m sure, there are other forums in which bearing witness to people’s experience strength, and, often, hope have evolved as very helpful. Perhaps you gain strength from a speaker, teacher, presentation, group or panel discussion, books, blogs, online or digital newsletters with discussion threads. Any of us can find one or more people to sympathize. Some will be able to affirm us exactly where we are, and some can come pretty darn close to empathizing. I like to try most any subject relevant forum I can get to, even if I’m very late or not the intended audience! Persistence has paid off for me, not the way I wanted and frankly not as much as I wanted, but it is worth it. I’m only alive because persisting to find resources, a wide variety of them, has kept me inching forward.

      I applaud your raw comment, dear. I also emplore you to keep pushing yourself, Paul. Keep putting yourself out there. Persist. You will sometimes find relief, maybe eventually you will OFTEN find relief. And look for it, there will be grounded, pragmatic help that enters your life, much of it from unexpected places IF you muster the courage to be honest and open to safe, trustworthy people. All are imperfect, all are challenged in aspects of their lives too. Even if only a few give you the help you feel you need, a good number will give you help you don’t even know you need at the time. At least, that’s been my experience and I’m confident it can be yours too.

      Peace of Christ to you for perseverance and gratitude.

      Reply
  6. I pray a lot. I also find ways to distract my thoughts such as crossword puzzles, word search, and Scrabble. I read motivational quotes and positive posts on Facebook.

    Reply
  7. Avoid alcohol, no matter how badly you are crying out for relief. Maybe one glass of wine to take the edge off, but really, depression/caregiving/hangover is a deadly combination. And know that someday THIS WILL END. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

    Reply
  8. Keep going. Is there another choice?

    Reply
    • If there is…. I want to know. Alcohol is my only choice these days after my husband takes his meds and I change his clothes out him to bed, my k8ds to bed, check on my parents…. take my meds, since my husband and I both combat veterans but he’s completely like dealing with my 12 year old
      …….. I need help how where..

      Reply
  9. How can you stop when one is so needy? Cannot do much of anything without help.

    Reply
  10. It takes a great toll on you if you’re not carefully monitoring your own energy and health, take care of yourselves, fellow caregivers

    Reply
  11. IT COMES AND IT GOES. HARD NOT TO GET THAT WAY WHEN YOU ARE 24/7 CAREGIVING AND WATCHING LOVED ONES DECLINE DAY AFTER DAY.

    Reply

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