How you can support friends and family who have chronic pain
don't let chronic pain destroy a relationship

As someone suffering with chronic pain for nearly 8 years, I can tell you it’s never an easy day. Every day and sometimes every hour can be different, I have no control over my body and how it feels from one moment to the next. Most of the time my mind wants to do things, but my body doesn’t allow it. I know that many caregivers and loved ones have asked or thought how can I push/encourage my loved one with chronic pain in a “good” way? I don’t want to push too hard, but I also don’t want my loved one to miss out.

Let me be the first to say we really do not like the fact we can not make plans anymore. We really do want to be an active participant in our friends and families lives. We do have the best intentions when we say we will be there and when we can not it really does bother us.

I decided to ask the chronic pain community how a caregiver or loved one can encourage someone with chronic pain. Here are our top answers:

 

Be Supportive

“Help out around the house or with dinner so the person isn’t too exhausted to do other things. If it’s an event type thing the person wants to go to, make the person feel like they can be honest about how they are feeling. Let them know they will not let you down if they have to leave early.”

“I’ve been blessed with some amazing people in my life that help. Support is the key. I always think of the spoon theory. I only have a certain amount of spoons, and if I want to get out to do something fun, I need the energy, which is very sparse during a high pain day. I get the most help with people offering to take my kids for the night, bringing meals over, helping with housework. I have a hard time asking for help, but this is what I’d ask for. “

“My husband and young adult kids would buy me little things to encourage me. For example, Superwoman PJ’s, because I was doing therapy at home as well as at a place, and they saw how difficult the smallest task was. They didn’t treat me as disabled, but they were always there to make my life easier in trying to regain movement.”

“Pay attention first. Be a steady shoulder second. Understand that everyone is different and it’s about the individual’s ability to push past the pain. If you can do that then you will know how to push/encourage them in a positive way. After all, it may appear we need a push or encouragement, but really what we need is support. Be supportive and that will eventually give us the encouragement you are looking to give.”

“Read as much as you can about what they are coping with. Knowledge is the answer.”

Communication

“Communication is very important. A phone call or simple text asking how you are doing is everything. Keep communicating and supporting even if the person in pain keeps declining your offers to get out of the house to do something. Support is key.”

“For an event: Listen to why they are hesitant about attending, is it an issue that could be problem solved or is it an emotional issue/fear of showing their pain to judgmental eyes? Do they know they can count on you if they become overwhelmed/exhausted or if they are faced by a person offering up free advice without understanding what it took for them to even leave the house? Are you willing to be their companion and their guard dog? Do they know this, deep in their heart do they trust this about you? This is how you push/encourage them in a good way. You let them know that you’ve got their back.”

In closing, the best way to encourage us and push us in a good way is to be supportive and keep communication open. Come up with a plan, but keep things flexible. Please remember we are already hard on ourselves and we truly do not like missing out, making us feel guilty about it is never the answer.

 


About the Elizabeth pain

Elizabeth Pain has suffered with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome for nearly 8 years along with other pain conditions. She has been married to her best friend for 14 years and a mother of 3 amazing children. She became active within the chronic pain community nearly 7 years ago when she started an online support group for those suffering with CRPS and their family members. She finds comfort in helping others and has found writing helps distract her from her pain. Nearly 2 years ago she branched out and started a website for all chronic pain conditions called The Unbroken Smile.

Written by Guest Author
The Caregiver Space accepts contributions from experts for The Caregiver's Toolbox and provides a platform for all caregivers in Caregiver Stories. Please read our author guidelines for more information and use our contact form to submit guest articles.

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2 Comments

  1. You summarized living with chronic pain perfectly. I’m going to show it to my brother to help him understand where my mom is at right now. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. I understand this so well. I have RA and more, most days it is painful just to walk however I am it for my husband who has advanced PD and my Dad who needs many things done. I do not know except for the grace of God how my body keeps going. Trust me I feel every step and every time I assist in getting one up from bed, dressed, showered, fed, etc.

    Reply

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