It doesn’t rhyme with purpose
But that’s what it is
Or inspiration
But that, too

You’ve lost it. In the middle of everything else, that one thing, that oasis of sanity and resolve and purpose and inspiration; where everything else in the world that makes no sense couldn’t reach you. You find it gone – out of reach.

Worst of all: you don’t even feel like looking for it.

You’re exhausted. Stressed out. Scared. Feeling hopeless. Burned out. Too busy to take on anything else.

This is where you find yourself. This is where I found myself.

I’d been dealing with Tracy’s cancer for so long and happened to write something that Kyle asked if I would share on the blog. I did, then I thought about it and asked him if I could take over the blog, to which he very happily replied with a resounding ‘yes, sir!’

So, I did, starting out really unsure of what to write, who to ask to contribute to the blog. Really – unsure!

But slowly, surely, I found myself – my course – where I could make even the smallest of differences in someone’s life. Maybe. So, I wrote the great caregiver stories that I wrote. None were masterpieces of literary achievement due to skills I brought to the table; but they were all masterpieces by so many caregivers I spoke to, who shared their stories of pain and suffering, loss and so much love. They inspired me. They still do. They spoke to me of so many things I could relate to, so many things that kept going and motivated me to be a better caregiver.

And I was so damn inspired! If they could do those things, I reasoned, and live through them and learn from their suffering, so could I. And I think I did.

I wrote as much as I could during those two years.

But then it stopped. I no longer heard it. I no longer felt it. The outside world had crashed in on me again. Tracy’s treatments had stopped working and the stresses and challenges, the heartbreak and sweeping sadness, broke through and took it all away.

That purpose. That inspiration.

That muse.

Mike McGarry is a caregiver for his wife, Tracy, who has multiple myeloma and a father to sons Joseph, 16, and Jacob, 14. You can read more of his writing on Jack’s Caregiver Coalition at jackscaregiverco.org.